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5 Painfully Stupid Movie Reboot Ideas The World Nearly Got

While we can’t stop our loved ones, pets, and eventually our faith in humanity from dying, one thing we can do is bring beloved movies and TV proves back into existence. Again and again. Whether it’s a long-cancelled TV series or a moldering blockbuster franchise, Hollywood has managed to necromance countless properties. And while it’s easy to complain about this trend, you might hold your tongue when you find out some of the crazy-ass ways those reboots virtually went down …

5

The Force Awakens Was Running To Open With Luke’s Severed Hand Floating Through Space

The Reboot We Got:

Star Wars: The Force Awakens followed many of the beats of A New Hope : a hero living on a desert planet, a planet-destroying battle station, and an alien saloon band presumably playing the intergalactic equivalent of Dave Matthews carols to the enjoyment of absolutely no one.

The opening is also instead familiar: Following the explanatory creep, we’re introduced to an opponent spaceship. In this case, a shadowy tank fires off a river of foe shuttles — which is also kind of how Look Who’s Talking began.

Lucasfilm

Lucasfilm “Where the inferno did all those spaceships shaped like yellow letters go? They were here a moment ago.”

The Insane Idea:

Instead of a spaceship, or a planet, or something that wouldn’t be amazingly frightening, The Force Awakens was going to open with a goddamn severed hand floating through space like a revolt asteroid. The hand is a familiar one: Luke’s. In reality, it was still going to be holding the lightsaber from his duel with Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back , probably thanks to some kind of midi-chlorian-assisted rigor mortis. If you’re having a hard time depicting what that would look like, The Verge created an animated approximation 😛 TAGEND

The Verge Obviously, this would have been played by Mark Hamill garmented completely in green, except for the hand.

The hand would then burn up in the atmosphere of the planet Jakku …

The Verge At least the lightsaber will reach the ground at a gentle 500 mph.

… and the surviving lightsaber would land in the wilderness, only to be plucked up by an unseen alien. Likely Maz Kanata, the goggle-eyed old lady creature who somehow had Luke’s lightsaber in her Red Lobster treasure chest of goodies in the movie proper. But await, how the hell would this even make any sense? At the end of Empire , Luke’s hand doesn’t run winging into space after Vader lops it off; it falls to the bottom of Cloud City. Are they implying that one of Bespin’s weirdest citizens found a severed hand and are determined to launch it into the sky like the remains of Hunter S. Thompson? And then it traveled the galaxy like the Hamburger Helper glove?

4

The New Ghostbusters Was Almost A Trip Through Hell With Donald Trump

The Reboot We Get:

While raging misogynists were quick to rally against a woman’s right to apply unlicensed nuclear accelerators to combat dead human beings who have somehow transformed into cartoonish blobs, those who actually visualized 2016’s Ghostbusters remaking still had a whole bunch of qualms. Like the fact that the Ghostbusters casually murder Bill Murray, or how the theme song was by Fall Out Boy. So yeah, it could’ve been better. But the alternative was another Ghostbusters sequel written by Dan Aykroyd. Well, that could be fun, right?

The Insane Idea:

Wrong. Aykroyd’s long-gestating idea was a script called Ghostbusters 3: Hellbent , in which the beloved quartet do indeed go to Hell. And not only Hell, but an alternate hell dimension version of New York where Central Park is a mine filled with “green demons” and is surrounded by “thousand-foot-high apartment buildings.” Oh, and the city’s called “Manhellton, ” presumably because the script was punched up by a squad of awkward dads. And if you think that’s the end of the awful puns, son howdy, it’s is high time to gird your loins.

The Ghostbusters’ nemesis was to be named “Lou Siffler, ” as in Lucifer — a “Donald Trump-like mogul” who is literally the demon. Holding the guy has a longer IMDb page than some Baldwins, there’s a realistic possibility that Trump might have played “himself.” Stimulating things worse, Aykroyd insisted that the idea was “so solid” that he was required to make a few other Ghostbusters movies simply to ramp up to the sheer awesomeness of the Demon Trump story. Plus, he decided it “wouldve been” computer-animated, because it would be “cheaper to produce, ” and more importantly, “Bill Murray won’t do live-action.” Or maybe he didn’t want to set pants on to make a dogshit cashgrab.

So complain all you crave about the most recent movie, but at the least we didn’t get a Ghostbusters that looked like The Sims in Hell.

3

The Nightmare On Elm Street Remake Was Nearly The Goonies , But With More Molestation

The Reboot We Got:

The 2010 version of A Nightmare On Elm Street was a pretty boring straight-up redo of the original movie, albeit with more violence and fewer 900 numbers.

Of course, it was produced by Michael Bay, so perhaps we should all simply be glad that Freddy Krueger didn’t end up has become a giant CGI troll monster who loved drinking Bud Light.

The Insane Idea:

In 2008, French filmmakers Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo pitched their eyesight for a Nightmare On Elm Street reboot, which was surprisingly intense. According to the team, their idea “was to really use the fact that Krueger is a child molester, “ and to have the new gang getting terrorized by the scrotum-faced, Christmas sweater-wearing maniac be a group of actual children. Perhaps foreseeing that the whole “dead guy trying to molest kids in their dreams” pitch doesn’t audio super fun, the directors added that the plucky kids being haunted were straight out of an ‘8 0s Spielberg movie, like a “twisted version” of The Goonies .

New Line Cinema Because the real treasure is not get molested by a ghost .

The 2010 Nightmare we got didn’t do that well, signifying we never got to see how Michael Bay would tackle rebooting maybe the most homoerotic horror movie of all time. But strangely enough, IT , which is essentially a “twisted version” of The Goonies , went on to make all the money in the whole world.

2

The Star Trek Reboot Was Almost About Kirk’s Racist Ancestors

The Reboot We Got:

J.J. Abrams’ cinematic take on the beloved original Star Trek series played it safe, even tethering the new film to the original’s continuity with time travel and Leonard Nimoy’s dulcet tints.

The Insane Idea:

Paramount’s original plan for a Star Trek reboot was, uh, let’s go with “different.” Instead of bringing back Kirk and the gang, the script Star Trek: The Beginning took place < i> before the original series. The movie’s protagonist was Tiberius Chase, a “top-gun starfighter pilot in the United Earth Stellar Navy.” That’s right, the pitch for this Star Trek movie name-checks a Tom Cruise flick about erotic volleyball games( and some war ).

In case you’ve been living under a rock, or living under a boulder that has no WiFi, “youre supposed to” know that “Tiberius” is Captain Kirk’s middle name. Tiberius Chase is one of Kirk’s ancestors, and he was “raised by their own families with a xenophobic ‘Earth first’ attitude.” Meaning that the rebooted Star Trek nearly focused on Kirk’s racist-ass relatives. That would be like rebooting the Bourne dealership, but choosing to focus on Jason Bourne’s Holocaust-denying great uncle.

Paramount Pictures “REPLICATE THAT WALL! “

On an even darker note, the plot was going to involve an attack by Romulans demanding that Earth hand over any Vulcan citizens so they can “destroy the Vulcan race.” Of course, once J.J. Abrams came on board, all of this was scrapped — though you have to wonder if they deemed livening up the genocide-heavy narrative with some sweet Beastie Boys tracks.

1

Kong: Skull Island Was Moving To Open With The Original King Kong Getting Murdered

The Reboot We Get:

The latest attempt to remake King Kong nixes the whole “awkward Broadway show moved haywire” component of the Kong story, focusing instead on the expedition to Skull Island( “Giant Ape Island” may have been a better name, though admittedly less mysterious ). The new movie also moves specific actions from the 1930 s into the ‘7 0s, just so they can cram a bunch of CCR tunes onto the soundtrack and make the whole thing a half-baked Vietnam allegory. But the movie’s exciting opening takes place during World War II, with two soldiers( one American and one Japanese) fighting on a cliff, whereupon the shadowy figure of Kong shows. Anyone who’s ever gotten into a drunken fistfight on the Universal Studios tour likely knows the feeling.

Warner Bros. Pictures

Warner Bros. Pictures It’s a little distracting that the Japanese soldier is was put forward by Will Ferrell, to be honest.

The Insane Idea:

Originally, the movie was going to open with a big “Fuck you” to the original King Kong . You know, one of the greatest movies of all time . According to director Jordan Vogt-Roberts, his pitch for Skull Island also began in WWII, with an legion battling on the beaches of Skull Island. Eventually they stumble upon a big ape who looks very much like the original King Kong … and then altogether shoot him. Dead.

RKO Pictures “It was B-5 34 s killed the beast.”

The idea being that “you’re standing here going, ‘Wait, did they just kill King Kong? Did they kill the hero of this movie? ‘” But right when you think the movie has slaughtered its starring and you’ll have to give all that popcorn to a hobo, the King Kong from this movie would show up , not only alive but likewise behavior bigger than the original giant ape. That’s right, this movie nearly picked a metaphorical dick-measuring tournament with classic cinema.

Luckily, the studio responded with a terse “You can’t do that, ” meaning that the King Kong reboot wouldn’t begin with a beloved movie ogre being gunned down in cold blood. At least , not this one. There’s always Frankenstein .

You( yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter, or check out the podcast Rewatchability .

Get your own reboot going with a guide to script writing from Celtx .

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